S6E8: She Was Betrayed During Treatment…And Then Rebuilt Better

Welcome to the Besties With Breasties podcast.

I'm Beth Wilmes, author, speaker, and founder of a human investment organization otherwise known as a nonprofit called Faith Through Fire.

Our mission is to reduce the fear and anxiety breast cancer patients feel and replace it with hope and a path toward thriving.

I'm Jess, a mom of two, former college soccer player, elementary PE teacher, and fitness enthusiast.

I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer just before my 40th birthday.

And I'm Jamie, researcher, retired professional boxer, and breast cancer survivor who keeps life busy and joyful with a funny farm of animals, a loving family, and a big heart to serve others.

This podcast is about our experiences with.

Breast cancer and life factor as young survivors and moms.

Hello.

Hello.

Just.

Hey, how's it going?

It's a going, man.

It's going all right.

So today we've got another guest.

Hi.

I love.

I love talking to our community.

It is so fun.

Everybody's just got their own unique story.

It's always this story of resiliency, and I just get so much from talking to them about it.

But this story is probably going to resonate with a sector of our population because we're talking about relationships this year, and we kind of started with our single ladies and what they navigate, but then we're kind of transitioning into marriages now.

And we're gonna be talking to Sarah, but as part of her story, her husband.

She finds out during treatment that her husband's cheating on her, and she'll kind of fill us in on all that.

But you and I were talking offline before we even got on.

Like, how freaking hard would that be emotionally on top of a breast cancer diagnosis?

Oh.

I mean, I think that's, like, the worst blow.

The worst blow.

I mean, it's bad enough.

That is terrible.

It's such a betrayal anyway.

But then when you're going through treatment and, like, you're at the low, you're kind of in a low spot.

Right?

You could.

You could be right.

And then that's.

I mean, what.

What stood out to me, though, about Sarah was that she ended her story with, now I'm living my best life.

And, you know, that's what we want to hear.

Right?

I know.

It's like, it's the hope.

There's light at the end of the tunnel.

There's hope.

Right.

Even when you're in the Valley.

Right.

So today we're going to talk to Sarah about how she found out her husband had been unfaithful at the end of her.

Read radiation.

Then we're going to talk to her about how she emotionally recovered from the betrayal and had the courage to put herself out there again.

Yeah.

And finally, how she found true love and is now living her best life.

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Well, welcome, Sarah.

Thank you so much for being with us today.

Thank you.

Thanks so much for having me.

Okay, so you and I connected, and you had told me that treatment for you included a double mastectomy, chemo, and radiation.

So, like me and Jess, you pretty much did everything.

Can you take us back to where you were in life at the time of your diagnosis or what your marriage was like before everything kind of started to change?

Yeah, I thought that I had a great marriage, actually.

We have two little girls.

They're now 12 and 15.

When I was diagnosed back in 2020, we can do the math.

There they were.

They were a little younger and more vulnerable.

But, I mean, I thought we had a great, happy family.

My husband went to every chemo treatment with me even.

And I traveled down.

I live in Evansville, Indiana, but I got a second opinion down in Birmingham, Alabama, and wound up having surgeries down there.

So we did a lot of travel back and forth.

My husband was always, always there, right by my side.

So.

So you are completely in the dark about this.

Like, you did not see this coming at all?

That's correct.

Oh.

How did you guys meet?

How.

How.

How long ago did you guys meet?

We met.

We were married for 10 years together maybe just a couple years before that.

And we met, as most, you know, loving relationships do, in a bar.

Hey, that's.

That's.

That's actually very true.

I think a lot of people in a bar.

Yeah, well, I mean, part of the reason why we.

Our relationship crumbled was he's a musician in a band, so he, you know, met a lot of girls in bars.

Oh, interesting.

Okay, so you felt like you had this really deep connection.

You never suspected that he would be unfaithful.

How did you discover the betrayal?

I mean, because it's.

It's like, super traumatic to go through breast cancer and then I can't.

I can't even imagine having this compound that.

Yeah, well, I discovered the betrayal.

It was at the very end of radiation and radiation for me.

I did chemo first and then the surgery and then radiation.

Radiation for me was.

I was in a.

Even worse headspace than I was going through chemo.

Because I think by that time, I don't know, it's.

Maybe the reality sinks in, and I don't know, but it was the very end of radiation when I found out I had an std.

And thank God it was not something that I have to carry around with me forever.

It was something.

I don't even remember the name of it.

I'd never heard of it before.

And luckily, I was given not an antibiotic, but, like, an antifungal medication, and it went away forever.

But that's how I found out.

So I'm just trying to envision this.

You're probably in your doctor's office, or did you get a phone call?

No, I was in the document doctor's office.

You were in the doctor's office, and you hear this news, and, I mean, did your brain compute right away, like, how this happened?

Because I think I would just be going, well, no.

No, that's not possible.

Like, yeah, that's not possible.

My first thought was, you certainly got my lab mixed up with somebody else.

You know, I'm going to.

No.

How often do you guys think this happens where a doctor has to be the first to tell a woman that they have an STD from an unfaithful partner?

I bet it happens more than we think.

I. I would agree.

My.

Yeah, this wasn't the first time for my doctor either.

Oh, it wasn't?

Did she handle.

How did she handle it?

Did she.

Was she compassionate?

Like, how did she.

Oh, yes.

So compassionate.

And I even said.

I said, so.

Are you telling me that I'm not in the monogamous relationship that I thought I was, or is there any way that this could have happened by any other means?

And she was like, no, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're not in a monogamous relationship.

I'm so sorry.

So when did the rage set in?

Did it set in right away or was it real fast?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I cannot even imagine.

Yeah, like, so.

So did you.

How?

How?

Because I'm just picturing myself in that scenario and trying to compose myself.

I'm sure you had a million thoughts going through your mind.

You're in the.

You know, you're at the tail end of treatment, but you're at the most arduous part of the emotional journey in your eyes.

Horrible.

Of course, you know, I. Yeah, well,.

We definitely don't feel our best right when we're going through this.

Yeah.

Not.

Not feeling real pretty.

Oh, my God.

So how did you decide to handle it?

Well, so I knew from.

From before that he would not be honest with me, so I wanted to first do my own investigation.

And so that evening, I said nothing to him about it.

And when he went to sleep that night, I went through his phone and found all the evidence that I needed to confront him with it.

And of course, saved it all, because I knew if, you know, he would just delete it and deny it.

So I had everything I needed and confronted him.

And of course, he denied it, as I expected, and I kicked him out immediately.

Oh, my gosh.

I feel like he thought that maybe I was in such a vulnerable state that I wouldn't like that he needed me and I. I wouldn't be able to do that.

Oh, like you needed.

He underestimated me.

He thought that you'd be so vulnerable that if you found out, you would need him too much and you would what, just look the other way?

Who knows?

Who knows what he thought?

Oh, my gosh.

Did he?

So he never took accountability for his betrayal?

No, no.

That's what.

That's what hurts the most.

I mean, he did.

He finally took accountability for, like, a little bitty piece of everything.

And he claims that this one unfaithful event happened before I was ever diagnosed.

Because I think he knows that he would look like.

I mean, he looks like a monster to begin with, but on top of any cheating husband does.

But then on top of everything that I had been going through, health wise, he looked like a disgusting person.

So, yeah, part of the reason why he would never fess up as well.

Now, here's my Question.

So, I mean, obviously, we know that this speaks more about him than it does you, but, like, were you very quickly able to get to that place of this is a him problem, not a you problem, or was there, like, a lot of emotional fallout?

Like, were you just that.

No, I had such rage that I knew it was an all him problem once things started.

Like, once.

I mean, I divorced.

I filed for divorce very quickly, and we were divorced within.

Within six months.

Yeah.

Did he.

I mean, you had to tell him that you had an std, so didn't he have to go get treatment?

And yet he's still denying that this is something that he did.

Yeah, he went, and I couldn't believe it.

My doctor thought that for sure he would test positive for this also, and he didn't.

He tested negative.

Or so.

I mean, and he showed me that.

But I think because my immune system was so vulnerable, I couldn't kick it.

I think, you know, maybe some people do get this, and I wish I could remember what it was called.

I don't.

But, I mean, some people do get it, and their immune system probably just takes care of it.

Mine just couldn't.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

I mean, you're definitely more vulnerable to illness when you're going through treatment.

I want to kind of talk about whether this betrayal affected your sense of safety or identity after cancer.

But before we do that, you guys want to do Boobs in the News?

Yes.

Let's do it.

All right.

Boobs in the News is a fun.

Segment where we read funny tweets by.

Real people or ridiculous news stories.

Bibs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Okay, so this one, I think, is really funny, and I actually.

I don't actually know who the boob is.

I mean, I think maybe I have an idea.

So let me just give you the rundown.

This lady from Illinois, this just happened, like, a couple days ago.

She was online, and she purchased a lottery ticket, okay.

And she thought she was buying a $2 ticket online, but she accidentally selected the $20 Magnificent Multiplier fast play game.

And so she accidentally won, didn't she?

She sure did.

And it paid off.

She.

She got paid $250,000.

Dang.

That's a good mistake.

Isn't that such a good mistake?

Like, she was buying $2, and then she bought 20, and then she had 250.

Way to go.

That's amazing.

No, there.

I don't know if that.

There's a boob in that story.

I mean, do you think it would be her for clicking the wrong button?

But then, like, but then it paid off.

I don't know.

My first thought about this when you said that was this is why you step outside your comfort zone and switch it up every once in a while.

Right.

Like, I know you're a big point.

I know you're a big routine person.

Yeah.

You're like, this is how I do it.

And you're very consistent, and that's what I admire about you.

But I also think that sometimes we just have to, like, take a different road.

And this, sometimes it's like, about having.

Yeah.

Fun, like finding fun.

Right.

Like, go out on a limb, do the ticket you don't normally buy.

Take the trip you normally wouldn't.

Go on.

Like, that was where my brain immediately went, was like, good.

This lady was forced to make a different decision and it paid off.

And now I wonder if that, like, created a new neural pathway for her.

That's a good point.

Really.

Risk is sometimes a reward.

Not always scary.

Yeah, I mean, can you imagine?

She said that when she clicked it, she thought her computer had like crashed.

And then I guess she won because she won.

So.

Yeah, I would.

She probably thought it was like a virus or something.

Yeah, I would too.

Well, now here's a question.

If you won $250,000, what would you do?

What would be your splurge?

I would pay my house off.

You would?

Gary and I have that conversation all the time about whether it's worth paying the house off or not.

Because there, there's some debate if you talk to the financial analyst, some are for it, some are against it.

Yes, there, there definitely are.

And we've talked about it too.

But I think, like, if I got a sum of money, that would be what I would do first.

And then we would go on vacation somewhere.

She's gonna buy a home.

She's gonna, she's gonna re.

She's gonna build a house, she said, and buy a baby grand piano.

Oh, interesting.

She's a retired teacher.

Well, then her money be gone.

Her.

Well, that's true, but her money.

You can't build a house for 250.

I was just gonna say, like, her money's gone.

There's no room, no money for the.

I think that, I think that would bother me.

Like, you have 250 grand and then it's just gone.

Like, you know, because she's starting, she's starting a mortgage.

She's right.

Or is she buying it outright?

No, she said, I don't Know, she just said she wanted to.

Because that's what your point is, right?

Like, it's hard to find even.

Yeah.

To even find a home for 250 now.

I mean, I don't know where she lives in Illinois, but I can't imagine.

Oh, I'll tell you what, Illinois's got some nasty taxes.

You would never catch me.

You would never catch me living in Illinois because their taxes suck.

Oh, that was funny.

Maybe the boob is the state of Illinois for all their taxes.

Maybe let people buy homes.

Illinois.

There's your boobs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Okay, we're back.

How did this betrayal affect your sense of, like, safety and relationships?

I imagine that when somebody is unfaithful to you, especially at a very vulnerable point in your life, like, how did.

The thing that impressed me about you is, like, it seemed like you were like, no, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna let this hold me back from, like, having a joyful life.

Like, how do you not let something like that kind of derail you emotionally and ruin your sense of safety with another person?

It was very hard.

And I did have my guard up for quite a while after the divorce was final.

I finally got out there.

I got on Bumble and Match and I, you know, I had a few dates and that built my confidence up a little bit.

But I did start dating one other person before I met my husband who's amazing.

And I had, I had walls up, you know, with, with that other person.

And.

But for some reason, I'm not super.

I'm still trusting of people.

I mean, I really know that this was a him problem, but I do, I have my eyes open and, you.

Know, how did your friends and family respond when they want to kill him?

Really?

So even, even his family was like, on your side with this whole situation A little bit.

They didn't know the entire truth.

I didn't show them all of the evidence.

I just didn't.

I didn't go there.

I told them about a lot of things that happened, but I didn't show them all of the proof, like videos and text messages and all kinds of stuff discussing things that I found in his phone.

So they, so they knew to believe them.

They know.

They know.

But they're a close, tight knit family and they're good people and I have a good relationship with them to this day.

We've come a long, long way.

Yeah.

How's your, really.

How is his relationship with your kiddos it's good, actually.

Thankfully, he's, he's remained a good dad.

Do you think that they'll ever know the reason behind the divorce?

They have actually heard things from his side of the family.

Thankfully not my side.

So they, they've heard tidbits.

So they, I think that they know, but it's not something that I've talked to them about openly.

And I'm always interested to know like from a male perspective and of course we can't crawl inside their brain.

But it's like he has daughters.

Right.

And he wouldn't want his daughters to be treated this way by another man.

Exactly.

And so it's like, it's gotta be upsetting as their mother to know that their primary influence in their lives made such a mistake, you know, because that can really.

Fortunately, it seems like you're a very strong, independent person and you can give them that sense of self worth to where they don't define themselves by somebody else's bad behavior.

But it's just, it just kind of makes me think about the role that fathers have with their daughters and, you know, the responsibility they have to model what a good man looks like.

Right.

So I'm sure that part of it was part of the morning of what happened, you know, it wasn't what you wanted.

No, not at all.

Yeah, it was very, very complicated because of, because of that reason just to allow my girls to, to be with him, you know, was, was even harder because of that afterwards.

But so you mentioned you got back out on the dating site, you had some good experiences to where it kind of built your confidence again and, and you really didn't approach it with a suspicious mind.

Like, that was a one off and I'm not going to sit there and assume the worst in other people.

So, like, how did you.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think I would have been able to do that.

No.

But obviously I had learned a lot and you know, I knew I had my eyes wide open, I'll say that going in.

So.

So were there some, like, did you have criteria in your mind?

Like when you look back now at your relationship with your husband?

I mean, he's in a career.

He was in a career.

Right.

That lent itself to a lot of admiration from other folks.

Were you like, never again with musicians or did you.

Oh, definitely never again with musicians.

Yeah, that was at the top of the list.

Okay, that's funny.

So was there anything else that you in hindsight could look back and be like, okay, yeah, maybe I could.

I don't know.

Did you go for somebody different the second time around?

I guess I did, yes.

I went for somebody different, just more professional.

Somebody who's not out in the bar scene much.

You know, I definitely wanted to steer clear of that.

How did he take, like, when you guys started dating, how long did you wait before you disclose that you're a breast cancer survivor?

Because I think that's what a lot of our single ladies are.

Are dealing with, is dating again after the diagnosis.

And then, like, how long do you wait before you tell them?

And how do you tell them?

I mean, how did that go for you guys?

So my first date with.

With my husband Chris was awesome.

We met at Bonefish and talked for a really long time, and I didn't.

I don't think that it came up that night.

I don't think that I told him.

But then I had to travel a lot for work, and he also traveled for work, and so we knew we weren't going to be able to see each other.

Plus, I had my girls, you know, every other weekend, so we knew we weren't going to be able to see each other for a while, at least three weeks or so.

So we did a lot of corresponding back and forth, and I think just during that correspondence, at some point, so probably before even our second date, I had told him about that, and he was.

He was very supportive and just, you know, say, God, I'm so sorry you went through that.

And what kind of surgery did you have?

A double mastectomy.

Okay.

And did you.

Did you opt to do reconstruction with.

Reconstruction.

Okay.

All right.

And so was that scary for you to tell him about the double mastectomy and the reconstruction?

Yeah, I didn't even have nipples at the time.

Yeah.

So.

But I did have.

You can get great tattoo nipples that stay on for a few days, and I.

At least I had those, and they look so real.

So, yeah, we've seen some great tattoo work.

I mean, just with either getting the actual tattooed nipples, like, now they're 3D.

They.

I mean, it's crazy how realistic they look.

Or like you said, you can get the.

The fake tattoos that are temporary.

But I think a lot of women, when they're approaching intimacy with a new partner, it's like, okay, how do I tell them?

And are they going to be okay with my body?

And the question always is, like, I suspect that we care more than men do to some degree, but I don't.

I don't know if that was your experience with Chris or Not, you know, how did that.

I'm sure it felt very vulnerable.

I did.

I did feel vulnerable, but he makes me feel.

He lifts me up every day.

He tells me how beautiful I am.

And that was wonderful to hear.

I definitely would not have continued on a relationship with him if, you know, I felt like he was kind of creeped out by that.

Our last guest was the male perspective, and he was talking about how at a certain point in life, good luck meeting somebody that hasn't had something difficult happen to them or just kind of like, if you have any kind of mature maturity at all as an adult, you've probably seen a few things.

And it's like, especially when you're dating again as an adult.

I don't know.

I guess the.

The sense I got from him was just everybody's got something, right, that they have in their past, and it's really just about the character of the person that you're with.

And so what I'm starting to see kind of emerge as the trend here is that for men of character and real.

Real men who have integrity, it just doesn't seem to be the issue that we worry that it is.

If it's the right person, you hit.

The nail on the head.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

It sounds like you guys had a really deep connection from the start, and that kind of superseded any kind of anxiety about anything else.

You're right.

Yeah.

So does he.

Found him on online dating on match.com.

Okay.

Good for you.

That's so impressive.

It's.

It's the modern way to date.

It is.

It is.

I want to kind of like wrap up with what your final words are to anybody listening who's maybe in the dating scene after breast cancer, who has gone through something difficult, not only breast cancer, but maybe a betrayal like yours.

But before we hear from you on that, let's hear from our second sponsor.

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Sarah, you are five years out from diagnosis.

Now, what do you want women to know who feel like their story is too messy to be loved?

Nobody's too messy to be loved.

Put yourself out there.

Have confidence.

Hold your chin up.

Tell yourself you're beautiful because you are.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah, I love that.

That's such a Faith Through Fire thing to say.

It is.

You're a rock star.

Sarah, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story.

Thank you.

Until next time, guys.

See ya.

Thank you for being a listener of.

The Besties with Breasties podcast.

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