S6E6: Finding Love After Breast Cancer: A Journey from Diagnosis to "I Do"

Welcome to the Besties with Breasties podcast.

I'm Beth Wilmes, author, speaker, and founder of a human investment organization otherwise known as a nonprofit called Faith Through Fire.

Our mission is to reduce the fear and anxiety breast cancer patients feel and replace it with hope and a path toward thriving.

I'm Jess, a mom of two, former college soccer player, elementary PE teacher, and fitness enthusiast.

I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer just before my 40th birthday.

And I'm Jamie, researcher, retired professional boxer, and breast cancer survivor who keeps life busy and joyful with a funny farm of animals, a loving family, and a big heart to serve others.

This podcast is about our experiences with

breast cancer and life after as young survivors and moms.

All right.

Hey there, Jess.

All right.

Hey.

How's it going?

It's going good.

It's going good.

Good.

So we're talking about love on this episode.

Finding love after breast cancer.

So I'm gonna put you on the spot.

Has your husband done anything that was super lovey recently?

Is your husband like, that is my

question, like, super lovey?

Yes, he is.

He is my.

My husband.

What are you.

What are you asking me?

Well, I wasn't asking you that.

I actually was just thinking about.

My husband has changed over the years.

He used to be a lot more, I don't know, I guess romance, and our relationship has, like, looks different now.

Like, now it's more, like, deep.

Yeah.

And when we were younger, it was more like, I don't know, traditionally romantic, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, surprising you with flowers and this and that.

Now I feel like it's, you know, it kind of, like changes over the years.

Right.

Like, when you have an infant, it's like when he gets up and, you know, feeds the baby so you don't have to or, you know, now it's

more of like a practical love.

Like.

Yeah, it almost is.

Like when he brings me coffee in the morning.

You know what I mean?

It's just interesting how it kind of changes over time.

So that just got me thinking, whether or not your husband's like, a lovey dovey guy or more of like a, you know, what.

What his love language is.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely agree.

I think that Tom's.

He.

He's changed over.

I think that that's.

He's changed over time, but I think that that's just being, you know, married.

Not.

Not really.

Like, even though they say you should date your spouse, it's hard when you.

I do think there's opportunity there.

Gary and I were actually talking about that because I might have mentioned this in previous podcasts, but he and I both once forgot our anniversary, and you know what I mean?

Like, I do think there's an opportunity to kind of reintroduce some of that spontaneity and that, like, true romance.

But the whole purpose of our podcast today is to talk to Allie, and she's a fellow survivor who actually met her husband after breast cancer, which, of course proves that love can absolutely grow after the diagnosis.

So today we're gonna talk to Allie about her breast cancer journey.

Then we're gonna talk about what fears or insecurities she carried about dating post

treatment and finally, how she met her husband and the encouragement she wants to give others.

But before we introduce you to Ally, let's hear from our first sponsor.

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Well, welcome, Ally.

Thank you so much for being here today.

Thank you for having me.

Of course, of course.

So share your abbreviated breast cancer journey.

When did you get diagnosed and how old were you?

Okay.

I got diagnosed October 8th of 2019 and I was 31 years old.

Okay, how is that?

It's a kick in the pants when you're that young, isn't it?

Because I was 35.

Yeah, definitely.

We do have cancer in my family.

My mom is a survivor as well, but I definitely had many conversations, you know, with my gynecologist and everything that I didn't need my first mammogram until I was 40.

And that typical thing of, you know, this isn't really your problem to deal with right now.

So when I got the diagnosis, I was quite shocked.

Did you feel a lump?

I did feel a lump.

I probably went to some, some more appointments for another year.

They did the thing, and I apologize, correct me, what it's called, because I kind of forget, but they did the thing with the clips where they marked.

Yep.

And so they did that.

They were monitoring things, and then just randomly during one of my appointments, they said, well, you know, you're, you know, you're over 30, so why don't we give you a mammogram?

So they did that, and then that's when they found calcifications on my results.

And then from there I did a biopsy and then it came back positive.

Okay, and what stage did they catch you at?

They didn't really give me a stage, but I, I believe that I was 1A.

Okay, 1A.

Did you have to do any treatment,

like my full cancer treatment?

Yep.

I got, I was diagnosed in October and I had deep within, or I'm sorry, I had a double mastectomy.

Deep, immediate reconstruction.

Okay.

December, early December.

December 9th.

Okay.

And did you have to do any chemo, radiation, or did they catch it early enough to where you didn't have to do that?

I call myself the luckiest of the unlucky because I didn't have to do either of those.

I had clean margins.

And so once I was done with that surgery, that was the bulk of what I went through.

Okay, interesting.

Well, congratulations on getting to avoid radiation and chemo.

That is what every patient hopes for.

And, but, but it doesn't diminish what you went through because you just, you said you had to do a double mastectomy and then did you say you went through the de.

Yes, I did immediate reconstruction.

The surgery was about ten and a half hours.

Yeah, that's a serious surgery.

I think people underestimate how hard that surgery is.

Did you go into it kind of knowing what it was going to be like or were you surprised?

I was very surprised.

I don't know anybody that went through that.

My, my mom had a lumpectomy and some radiation, so I don't know anybody that did like kind of the whole full shebang.

But yeah, it was a very, very intense surgery.

Very painful.

And then I did follow up reconstruction later that June, so about six months later.

Okay, and you were single when this was all happening to you, correct?

Yes.

Okay.

And how did it.

Were.

Was that part of the fear, like when you got diagnosed?

Were you thinking ahead to, like, how am I going to date, like, you know, and explain this to people, or is that not even on your mind?

It wasn't on my mind at the time of diagnosis.

No.

I was.

I had other.

You were more focused about saving your life.

Right.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Men.

Men take up a lot of space, but they don't take up that much space, Right?

Absolutely.

How.

How long did it take you after your surgery and recovery to kind of get to the place where you were ready to open up and start dating again?

Well, I spent a lot of my life single, so I would say I was kind of used to being alone, per se.

I do the thing most people do where they, you know, get on the dating apps and they're like, I'm going to meet someone, and then it doesn't work out, and they get off and on and blah, blah, blah.

So that was sort of normal for.

But I actually got back on the dating apps shortly thereafter, I guess I got through my surgery in early December, and then I got back on the apps probably like a month later.

So now that I say it out loud, it's been a long time since I thought of this, but now that I say that out loud, that was pretty quick.

I got the.

I got the news from my apologist that I was cancer free about the end of January of 2020.

Okay.

Yeah, that's pretty quick.

It's like three months or three or four months whirlwind.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so was your recovery from the deep pretty uneventful?

Like, no major complications?

Because, you know, usually there's some.

Some aftermath there.

But it sounds like if you were jumping into dating pretty quick, maybe.

Did you.

Were you lucky?

I call myself the luckiest of the unlucky.

And.

And a lot of it has to do with how early I caught my cancer.

But also, as much as a lot of people tend to think of this as a disease, that happens when you're older.

I think my youth really helped me.

Physical therapy was pretty easy.

I think my body healed quickly and that I give credit to my youth for.

For getting through that.

Oh, that's really interesting that.

Yeah, that's a really good point.

You know, it's the silver lining of being diagnosed younger is that you're right.

I think that you're able to handle a lot of the side effects and things like that so much faster.

Yeah.

So did you meet your husband on a dating app?

I did.

I met him through eharmony, which I don't think I tried that one.

Before I've tried a bunch of.

I got on that one and I came.

I came on his profile probably about two weeks into using it, which also never happens for me.

I was very lucky.

Did you, did you have any worries, like, before you started, kind of before you dived back in with him?

Were you, did you have any body image concerns?

Like, were you worried about your scars or telling anybody about your diagnosis?

Was that something that was in your mind as you kind of looked at dating again?

I was very open about my diagnosis in general, but I would say I have a very, very vivid memory of when I went to Target and this, you know how they put the bathing suits out, like really early?

Uh huh.

Looking for bathing suits and this had to have been in January.

You know, they just put it out really early.

But anyways, I was trying on bathing suits and I remember just looking at myself and being like, oh my God, like, this is, this is a mess.

Like, and I remember driving in the car ride home and just really getting upset and crying because I thought to myself, my husband won't know my real body.

And that really bothered me.

That was very upsetting to think, like, I've kind of been through this and now I'm a mess and not myself.

I didn't feel like myself.

I had all these scars and bruises and yeah, I thought like, they weren't getting like the real authentic me.

That's interesting.

I think a lot of women feel like that.

I remember sitting at our survivor retreat kind of talking about, you know, you can have the best reconstruction in the world, but it's not your original, authentic natural boobs.

Right.

And it's just, it's so there's no.

Even if your surgeon does a great job, you're right.

There's a loss there of your original body that's just really kind of heartbreaking, I think.

And you don't realize it until it's gone.

You know, I never realized how grateful I should have been until I didn't have them anymore.

Absolutely.

I totally agree.

I'm like, my boobs were better than I always thought they were and now I miss them and they're not the same.

Yeah.

Did you have any relationships or breakups prior to like meeting your husband that were kind of.

I mean, it sounds to me like you're a pretty confident person.

Is that fair?

It seems like you.

Even though, you know, you struggled the way that most people.

People do when their body changes.

I don't know.

I want to say that you're a very confident person.

Is that true or not true?

As far as, like, my physical appearance, I think just.

Yeah, your physical appearance and how you feel about yourself and just kind of, you know, what role breast cancer plays in your.

In your identity.

Oh, that's funny.

My therapist talked about this.

He.

He said this to me.

He's like, you know, a lot of people let their cancer define them, and it seems like you really kind of, you know, just went through the motions and handled it as it came.

And I do.

I do feel like that.

Feel like I did a good job.

Like I said, I know that every story is very individualistic, and a lot of people have it a lot worse than I did, but I felt like I had a really good support system with my mom and my twin in particular.

I'm a twin.

The rest of my family, of course, obviously, I feel like I just sort of took it as it came, and it was a lot of information at once.

It was very overwhelming and very stressful, of course, but I kind of feel like I've been through worse.

And with my support system and with kind of just following the lead of the experts, I just took one step at a time.

But I appreciate you saying you think I'm confident.

I guess I just.

You're projecting confidence, so.

Thank you.

Well, I want to talk about.

I want to talk about your relationship with your husband.

You mentioned that you met him, like, two weeks into this dating app.

But before we do that, you guys want to do Boobs in the Ness?

Sure.

Boobs in the News is a fun segment where we read funny tweets by real people or ridiculous news stories.

Boobs in the news.

Boobs in the news.

Boobs.

All right, you ready for this?

Boobs.

I am.

I can't wait.

Okay, so the title of this is For F's sake.

I'm not gonna say it.

Okay.

This study reveals what English speaking country uses the F word the most and who has the most fun doing it.

Any guesses as to who uses the F word the most?

Like which.

Which Country.

Country.

I mean, I feel like it would be the United States of America.

You are correct.

It has to be.

It's like I feel like I hear that word all the time.

I know.

Actually, you know, it's funny because I have dropped the F bomb here and there.

But it's interesting how highly influenced I am by who I'm around.

So when it comes to cussing, US Citizens are the most prolifically.

Am I saying that?

Profane.

Prolific.

Profane.

While.

Profanity.

No, but I'm trying To say prolific.

Prolific.

But I'm trying to say prolifically.

Profane.

Profane.

So yeah, I was like, that is not coming out of my mouth the right way.

Finnish researchers found that Americans drop more F bombs than their UK counterparts, while Australians are the most creative in their use of the four letter word.

They.

They did a study on this, Jess, which is who I'm going to say is the boob in this story, because who is paying for a study on cussing?

I mean, great point.

I hadn't even thought about that.

But why are we spending money on this?

Funding that.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

And I kind of.

It was done in Finland, so.

Shame on Finland.

It says that I love Finland.

You do?

You.

Oh, I didn't know you had such an affinity for Finland.

I do.

I think they do a lot of things right there.

Okay, well, I'm learning something new about you.

I didn't know you had a love for Finland.

Now I feel.

Now I feel bad calling them a boo.

Oh, no, you don't have to feel bad.

It's not like your best friends from Finland.

No.

Okay.

No, but.

No, but I wish.

But my sister in law was finished.

My.

My niece is half finished, so.

Are you joking right now?

No, I am not.

That's hilarious.

I didn't know.

I had no idea.

I've actually been to Finland twice.

Okay.

I.

That is hysterical that this story is about Finland.

Like, what are the odds of me bringing this up and you being like, oh, yeah, I've got like a handful of family members that are finished.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, this Finnish team examined 7.8 billion words and they focus on the F word because it's the most frequently used.

And they found that US citizens use the F word the most frequently.

Followed by the Brits and then lastly Australians.

That's crazy.

Which is weird because they apparently thought that it would be the Australians that cost the most, which I don't know why they get a bad rap.

Yeah, I don't know either.

I would have guessed the US too.

Don't you think though?

The F word has grown in popularity?

Yeah, like tremendously over time.

But in a bad way.

Oh yeah.

Like in a bad way, in a bad way.

It's like it used to be that you would save it for when you were really scared, hurt.

Something really serious.

Right.

Like you reserve that for a really pivotal moment.

And now people just drop it in every.

Every two words.

And I notice it when I'm around people who drop it constantly.

It really, it becomes obvious and that likewise.

Kind of what I said before.

I feel my language gets worse when I'm around people like that, and I don't like that about myself, so.

Yeah, Yeah.

I don't know.

I hate to offend the Finnish people, especially now that I know that they're near and dear to your heart, but in this.

In this scenario, I'm going to say it's the Finnish people for doing a study on cussing.

Yeah.

I mean, was it at a university?

That's interesting.

It was, it was.

But I got to tell you, if I was a donor for that at university, I'd be like, this is where my dollars are going.

Well, that's a good point.

Yeah.

All right.

There's your boobs in the news.

Boobs in the news.

Bibs in the news.

Boobs in the news.

Okay, so we're back.

You met your husband two weeks after you got on.

What.

What is it?

Eharmony?

Is it eharmony?

Okay, that's what I thought.

I'm like, they used to do the commercials all the time, and I haven't seen one in a while.

I don't know, you know, because I'm not.

I didn't go through the dating app scenario.

There seems like there are so many apps.

I mean, how do you choose which one to go on?

Like, are they all known for something different or are they all pretty much the same?

What's been your experience?

I tried a bunch.

I think when I first tried an app, it was like, way maybe early post college, and I did OkCupid.

I had some luck on Plenty of Fish, and then I didn't have any luck on Bumble, but I kind of, like, I was sort of on and off throughout the years.

I would always get really excited and think, like, this will be my summer.

I'll meet somebody and, you know, whatever wouldn't work out.

But eharmony, I was trying to go for something where it required a little bit more investment.

So it was expensive, but I thought, like, you would maybe find a little bit more seriousness there.

That was sort of my plan.

Oh.

I mean, it apparently paid off because that's where you met your husband.

Right, Right.

So you guys meet on this app, like two weeks into your.

Your, you know, joining.

How long was he on the app before he met you?

Do you know?

Yeah, he was only on for, like, six months, and I think he went on maybe like three first dates.

He's luckier than me.

He found me very quickly.

Yeah, it sounds like it.

So what was it about him?

That kind of Drew you to him right away.

He found my profile, actually.

He reached out and he was just sort of.

I think he was at a point in his life where he was taking dating, you know, more seriously and wanted to be very proactive.

So I think we just exchanged some messages for about a week, and then he's like, do you want to go out?

And we went out that Friday and it was just like, I like you, like you like me.

We're going to, you know, keep going, see where this goes.

Okay.

Very cool.

I love that.

Yeah, I think a lot of people listening are going to feel very hopeful by this conversation.

Yeah, I've had a lot of experiences where things get sort of dragged out or people want to be your pen pal and not really kind of move things along.

So I appreciated his initiative.

Well, we had another guest on that kind of shared her experience with dating, and she hasn't found love yet, but she was saying that she feels like the dating scene's really tough because women are more in it for the emotional connection and a deeper connection, and she feels like men are more transactional on these.

On these apps.

But it sounds like both you and your husband were kind of on the same plane and found each other very quickly.

And I, you know, I imagine that's because you both were looking, you know, it's like, don't.

Don't waste my time.

Right.

If you're not going to be real or, you know, I don't know, deeper.

Is that fair?

Yeah.

I think we were both just at a point in our lives where we, you know, we're.

We're looking for sort of the.

Not the end of the race, but you know what I mean, to that extent, like, looking for the one and to be married and to.

Did having cancer expedite that feeling?

Because I feel like after I had cancer, I just didn't waste my time being upset or waste my time on people that weren't, you know what I mean, in alignment with my values.

Not.

Not dating wise, because I, you know, been with my husband for a really long time, but I just feel like cancer was so clarifying what I want, what I don't want, what I'm willing to do, compromise on, what I'm not willing to compromise on.

Did you find that as well?

I don't think so.

I think with.

With things in life, especially with.

With the cancer journey, I think I was just trying to just do what I could, you know, take make the best decisions with the information that I had and, you know, just do my best okay.

So you were kind of taking it a day by day and just, you know, giving yourself a lot of grace.

Yeah, I'm always hopeful.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's great.

Any funny or memorable dating stories before you met your husband?

Not that I have to do with cancer.

Well, that's okay.

That's hilarious.

So they were all prior?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like my husband was sort of.

It's like a new.

Now that I think about it out loud, it really was kind of like the start of a new life.

You know, I went through this big, hard thing, and now I'm in, you know, my final relationship, and it feels like my life sort of started kind of at that time, I would say.

How did.

How did you decide when to tell him about your diagnosis?

Oh, this was kind of funny.

So I had him over to my apartment for a date, and I remember, like, I had, like, a little sign that said, like, I'm cancer free.

And I had, you know, some kind of, like, decor things, you know, from.

From friends and family.

And I remember putting it in a closet so he wouldn't see it, because I thought, like, this is, you know, kind of a lot for somebody to take in, and what are they going to think of this?

And they're probably not expecting somebody at 31 to disclose this information.

So I remember I kind of put it away, and then actually on that day, I ended up telling him because we were, like, making out, and he was sort of feeling down my waist, and I had, like, my scars from my deep reconstruction.

Yeah.

And so he could kind of feel that.

And I think.

I think looking back, he thought it was some sort of, like, appendix thing or something.

I don't think.

I guess he didn't really know what it was.

That was sort of like me.

That was my window into confessing, like, hey, I'm, you know, sort of under construction here, and told him, how did he take it?

And did you feel anxious about sharing that when you guys are having an intimate moment?

I was nervous.

I think he took it really well.

I think he was really surprised, you know, because I think a lot of people don't really expect that kind of information when you're at that age.

Sure.

But I think he handled it like a champ, and he was very understanding.

That's interesting.

Does he ever.

Did he ever say whether or not he was scared to get into a relationship with somebody that's a cancer survivor?

I think he was looking for the right person.

I don't think that deterred him.

I think he was just, like I said, I think he was taking dating more seriously and he wanted to find somebody.

And the fact that this was maybe.

I think this was like four dates in.

And I think he, you know, he figured he liked me enough.

And, you know, I told him that I was going to have my second surgery later that June.

And maybe he just thought, like, you know, she can get through this.

Interesting.

Was he after you had your second surgery, was he part of your recovery process?

Yes, he was on Team Ally at that time.

He got a T shirt and everything.

He was family approved at that moment.

Yeah, him and my family came over and we had, you know, dinner and everything the night before.

And that ended up being a very easy.

Another thing, like, I feel like I was very lucky.

My second surgery was just outpatient, and to me, that was like a walk in the park.

Like it was, yeah, my body could really heal from that.

I was like going through what I went through for the first surgery.

This was nothing.

So that, that was quite easy just to, you know, some soreness and some other things, but nothing remotely compared to the first one.

Oh, I love that.

I love your guys story.

That's amazing.

Well, before we wrap up, I want you to kind of give everybody your final thoughts.

Any words of encouragement for listening who are kind of battling the dating scene.

But before we do that, let's hear from our second sponsor.

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All right, we're back.

Ali, thank you so much for coming on and kind of sharing your experience.

You have any last words for those listening who are maybe, you know, in breast cancer now or are in the dating scene and feeling anxious or apprehensive about it?

I think just in general, you know, I know that cancer is very scary, but I don't think you.

I don't think it has to define you if you don't want it to.

I think there are other happy moments ahead and, you know, it.

It's something that can be overcome with or without a partner.

But if you have a partner, it's obviously nicer to have that extra added support.

So I just wish everybody luck in finding the right person for them.

Oh, that's awesome.

Well, thank you so much for being here and sharing your experience.

Until next time, see ya.

Thank you for being a listener of the besties with Breasty's podcast.

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